By Myself
by Ms. Ali Kat
Summary: A one shot songfic to the song By Myself by Linkin Park. Kenshin's past in his dreams and his thoughts and his present with Kaoru, and the battle within himself. R&R please!


Author's Notes: Alrighty. So to make a long story short, I'd seen a music video of Rurouni Kenshin to this song, By Myself, Linkin Park off of their album Hybrid Theory that came out in like 2000 I think. I liked the song and got the CD, then I liked the song more and decided to write a one shot songfic… and here it is! Hopefully I'll be getting to work on some new updates for other fics on here. They're a bit dusty, but I still love them when I get inspired to add to them ya know?

Ok, so one last quick thing if it's in _italics_, it's a lyric to the song. Simple enough? Alright, well here goes then!

**Disclaimer:** As very very very very much as I wish it was mine, I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, or any of the characters. I'm afraid all of it belongs to Watsuki-sama.

I also have no right to "By Myself" a song by Linkin Park… and will not claim to own it even though it rocks the socks!

**By Myself**

_What do I do to ignore them behind me?  
Do I follow my instincts blindly?_

A swing of the sword, a shower of blood falling with the rain, splashing across a pale face. A soft voice, eerie and calm. "You, you caused the bloody rain to fall…"

_Do I hide my pride from these bad dreams?  
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?_

"Tomoe…"

_Do I sit here and try to stand it?  
Or do I try to catch them red handed?_

Another swing of the sword. New flesh, new bone sliced by the blade. A cry of anger and sorrow as a love is killed, and with the lover's own hands.

Two lavender eyes opened wide as a soft knock comes at the door.

_Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,  
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?_

"Kenshin..." Came a voice as the door opened. A young girl gave a concerned look with sapphire eyes. "You weren't awake... I wondered if maybe you weren't feeling well."

"Arigatou Kaoru-dono. This one is fine, I'll be up shortly..." Said a calm voice of a once cruel killer.

_Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin  
I make the right moves but I'm lost within_

The door shut and he held his head in his hands. "Tomoe... can I really stay here and live like this, when there's so much I've done..."

_I put on my daily façade but then  
I just end up getting hurt again_

_By myself myself  
I ask why, but in my mind  
I find I can't rely on myself _

_Myself  
I ask why, but in my mind  
I find I can't rely on myself_

A smiling redheaded came from that sullen room, bright and cheery as his mind flew from place to place. None were as bright as his smile, not even close. Only blood and pain crossed his mind.

_I can't hold on  
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin  
It's all too much to take in  
I can't hold on  
To anything watching everything spin  
With thoughts of failure sinking in_

"Kenshin, would you mind going to the market and getting some tofu?" Came that voice again, the voice of the same smiling girl with piercing sapphire eyes.

Now it was her blood that would spill in his mind. "Hai Kaoru-dono. This one will be back soon to make dinner. I won't let you die too…"

_If I turn my back I'm defenseless  
And to go blindly seems senseless_

Down the road the scarred figure walked. A reversed blade sword hung at his side, a crossed scar on his cheeks. All symbols of repentance, that he'd never accept as true repentance.

_If I hide my pride and let it all go on then they'll  
Take from me 'till everything is gone_

Into a busy market place, and back down an empty road he headed. "To grow close is to let die…" He whispered as he neared the dojo.

_If I let them go I'll be outdone  
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun_

"I don't want to leave… but it would be best for her…" He whispered as he entered the gate.

_If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer  
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer_

The sound of the knife against the chopping board was deafening in the tension.

_By myself  
Myself  
I ask why, but in my mind  
I find I can't rely on myself  
Myself  
I ask why, but in my mind  
I find I can't rely on myself_

_I can't hold on  
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin  
It's all too much to take in  
I can't hold on  
To anything watching everything spin  
With thoughts of failure sinking in_

Soft footsteps lingered before the kitchen door, slowly, a face appeared and then a body. An expression indescribable haunted her eyes, and her now faded smile.

_How do you think  
I've lost so much  
I'm so afraid  
I'm out of touch_

"You still think of her often don't you…" She whispered. "As often as I think of you Kenshin?"

_How do you expect  
I will know what to do  
When all I know  
Is what you tell me to_

"These hand…" He said softly as he set a plate on a low set table. "Are far to rough and stained with blood. You deserve so much more…" He replied as he left the room.

_Don't you know  
I can't tell you how to make it go_

"I do think of you… which is why I must leave…" He whispered as he stood at the gate in the night. Disappearing without a word.

_No matter what I do, how hard I try  
I can't seem to convince myself why  
I'm stuck on the outside_

Tears ran down soft pale cheeks as the gate closed. "Ken…shin…"

_How do you think  
I've lost so much  
I'm so afraid  
I'm out of touch_

"Kaoru-dono, I'm sorry…" He whispered into the night as he sat by the river. The moon reflected in the rippling waters.

_How do you expect  
I will know what to do  
When all I know  
Is what you tell me to_

The clacking of wooden sandals echoed through the empty streets.

_Don't you know  
I can't tell you how to make it go_

"You can't leave me…" Thoughts ran wild as she ran, tears trailing her like sapphire stones falling to the ground.

_No matter what I do, how hard I try  
I can't seem to convince myself why  
I'm stuck on the outside_

"Ka… Kaoru-dono?"

_I can't hold on  
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin  
It's all too much to take in  
I can't hold on  
To anything watching everything spin  
With thoughts of failure sinking in_

"Kenshin!" Came the cry as she nearly fell down the bank. He caught her as if he'd been standing there waiting.

She looked up into his eyes, hers teary and distressed. "Please don't leave…" She whispered clutching to his gi.

_I can't hold on  
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin _

"Kaoru-dono… I can't stay… you'll only be hurt…" He whispered, though he didn't want to let go.

_It's all too much to take in  
I can't hold on_

"I'm sorry…" He whispered pulling back.

She threw herself at him and held onto to him by the waist, head on his chest. "Kenshin… I… I love you…" She said between sobs. "Please, don't leave me."

_To anything watching everything spin  
With thoughts of failure sinking..._

Those words froze him. "Kaoru-dono…" He said softly lifting her chin to look up at him. "I will bring you nothing but pain… why would you love one like this one?" He said softly.

"I just do… does that make no sense? I don't care who you were, I care about who you are…" She said with a glint in her eye.

"How can you forgive me… that's how you always hold me back…" He said as he leaned down closer to her. "My Kaoru…" He whispered kissing her. "I will not leave, not now… but when time comes I must, you have to let go…"

She only smiled and pulled herself into him tighter. "I will… just stay with me…"

He held her close and looked up at the moon. "I love you…" He whispered running fingers through her raven locks. "You keep me safe from myself…"


End file.
